ad astra per alia porci

Sigh. I don’t know how you people can just call out a person’s bs and just walk away from it all. I have a problem with this. I don’t know why I’m so forgiving and sympathetic in my love life. It’s so hard for me when I care for a person, so hard to see all the wrongs. When will I be tough little cookies like all of you! I feel like I’m such a ridiculous sappy mess when I date. It’s hard for me to understand that some people are just different, just a certain way and it’s not anything I can do and I’m not to blame.

Because for the past months, I’ve felt like I wasn’t enough for him. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong to not deserve all his love and attention and I was eager to do almost anything to try and get it. This was very destructive. It scares me to realize that my self-worth was ripped apart because of him. It tore at me. so much. I struggled so much with the fact that he didn’t like me as much as I like him. Or at least that he didn’t show it the way I wanted him to. He might have liked me like I liked him. He might have loved me like I loved him. I don’t know. At the moment he’s just a rude immature skank to me.

I’m not saying that I was perfect. I wasn’t an angel and he wasn’t a heartless person like I sometimes make him out to be. We all have flaws. A relationship that works requires the people involved to accept and embrace those flaws. I guess we just couldn’t do that. I still feel bad because I feel like my ever-changing mind drove him away. But I know I had this crazy hurricane of feelings because he couldn’t reassure me of anything stable. I knew this and I still tried. Because I really did care for him. I did love him, even if I’m a fool for saying so. 

Relationships are very hard. For all of us. I’m inexperienced and naive and I wear my heart on my sleeve so it’s especially hard for me. So I end with this excerpt:

“Man. Boy, this is getting complicated.

Woman. What is?

Man. This business of learning what hurts, what doesn’t hurt, what to be afraid of , what not to be afraid of.”

It’s complicated but I’m trying.

I haven’t blogged in tumblr for a while. It’s because I got sick of.. myself haha. I felt like my blogs became dumb, just writing about my dumb feelings, obsessing over a ‘relationship.’ I couldn’t think of anything else to write bout, I felt like I became a one-dimensional dumb teenage girl crazy about some guy and I was ashamed. But now I gots more stuff to write about. Like I started reading again :D Okay, so it was a book that I read before. But still I finished that sucker (again) and now I’ve got a load of books next to my bedside that I will read. Woohoo!

I went to court today for the first time! Well just for my traffic ticket but still! It’s interesting seeing the process of the law. It’s sad to think about all these poor people (including me ;() having to pay hundreds of dollars for stupid things but it was entertaining haha.

Some man got a ticket because he was fishing without a license. Another guy  got a ticket because he rode a bicycle in the opposite direction of traffic. Who knew that was illegal?! I did that all the time when I went bike-riding! And at the start of each person, the judge says “People vs. Joe Schmoe, is this your full legal name?” And everyone is supposed to respond with yes or no. Obviously you say yes, but one girl said “no, that’s not me.” Hahaha everyone stared at her and she had to explain that she never got a ticket, didn’t live in the house that the ticket was addressed to, had no idea who the person was, etc. Hahah poor girl, what a hassle.

Even though it was interesting, court is a mother effing hassle. So much anxiety! I still have to go to court in March to try and plead my case :( Contemplating just pleading guilty cause I hate defending myself

Hi. I love you, I’m quite sure of this. I don’t know why, but who ever does? All I know is that when I’m with you, I’m happy. A pure, simple happiness. I just gaze into your eyes and we just look at each other and I feel so… I don’t know. Nothing else matters in that moment, nothing else exists. Only you and me. And in that moment, you are all I need. I wish I could tell you this but I’m scared to. I’m scared you won’t feel the same. You probably don’t but even though I don’t want to, I really love you so much. I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy, my love. I can’t control it and it scares me. I’m scared we will never be what I want us to be. I’m scared of being disappointed and hurt. And it will happen. I can’t get rid of these feelings, even if you insist otherwise. But I try to push them aside. Even just for a brief moment, I forget all of it when I’m with you. Because like I said, “you make me happy.”

I like doing things by myself. Like going to eat at a restaurant alone. It makes me feel independent and I don’t have to make conversation with anyone. I can just sit, eat, read a book and enoy my time. It’s a nice time  of self-reflection. Plus whenyou eat alone, people are nicer to you but they don’t try to strike up conversation hehehe. I need to do this more often.